Wednesday, April 8, 2009


In honor of Jenny, Melissa, and other volleyball friends who keep me laughing, here's my go at LDS SATIRE writing:

Some friends of mine recently enlightened me about a very good way to keep my family more pure and unspotted from the world. After I explained that I get too much clutter on my 'coffee' table, they gently pointed out that perhaps I should be calling it my 'Ensign Table'. I was completely humbled to think that for a very long time, I have been polluting the minds of my children by calling it a 'c-- table'. How terrible! My kids probably have mentioned the c''!> word to their friends, thus polluting a whole ward full of kids. How much more appropriate to call it an Ensign table!

In keeping with this rule, I have devised a list of other ways we can keep our children further unspotted and more holy than other children.

1) I propose we call our husbands "Ensign Hot" instead of "Smoking Hot". May that phrase never be uttered about movie stars or anyone other than our husbands.

2) There is a color a little pinker and darker than ivory which we sometimes call "champagne". I propose that the aforementioned color could be called "Ensign Ivory" rather than the blasphemous word mentioned above.

3) When we put together our Jell-O salads, let us never put "Fruit Coctail" in them. Rather, I suggest we tell our children we are adding "Fruit Friends" into the Jell-O.

4) As spring is upon us and we will soon be seeing roses bloom in our lovely yards, it might be fitting for us to mention that we are going to cut some "Rose Friends" rather than "Rose Buds." The mention of a brand name of beer could entice some youngsters to try it out -- you never know.

5) My husband has a nasty little habit of barbequing. We used to make "Smoked Salmon" on the barbeque, but we have decided in our parental counsel meeting that we will try to refer to our delicacy as "New Era Salmon" in order to purify the minds of our children.

If every one of us will just make these five changes in our every day language, think of the blessings that will flow into our lives -- and the lives of our children! I challenge every one of you to implement these five things that I thought of to make your lives more unspotted from this evil world.
Ha ha. April Fools a little late!


Melissa said...

Holy Cow Lori!!!! I am soooo glad I waited for you to post on this. Hil -Ar - IOUS!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT! That was for the Ensign Table!! You make me smile! Thanks!

Hali said...

Bahahahaha! Laughing. OUT LOUD. At work!

[Yes, they're all staring, but it's worth it.]

FUNNY business! ;-)

DebLawson said...

OH! Thank goodness you were joking! I was all...."uh, you've got to be kidding!" :) yikes!
heee heee!!!

Sad to say, there are probably people who really think that way!
EVIL COFFEE TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good one, dude!

Shauna Karren said...

I love it! I have to say I thought of a few LDS moms I know who would totally take this seriously!